Or a Mini Leadership Guide
If you’re a parent, then you’ve probably wished for a parenting guide at some point in the process. And while there are some great guides for the early years, I haven’t found any parenting guides for teens and tweens. It could be that milestones appear at much more varied ages, or that as our kids grow they become even more different and pulling together all of the factors would prove overwhelming to read. Or it could be that we just think we should be doing the same things we’ve always been doing, so no one reads them.
Today, I’m going to share the guidance I’ve put into practice that has produced incredible results. Unfortunately, I didn’t have it until my boys were well into their teen years, but it was helpful nonetheless. This parenting guide is not about parenting teens based on their age or their gender, or how to punish or get them to clean their room. This parenting guide is about to show up as a parent. It’s about your growth during their transformation from a child to an adult.
Be the Guide, not the Coach
When our kids are little we are there to guide and show them the way. They don’t yet have the context, fully understand their capabilities or have the tools to navigate through their world. So we go first. We model the appropriate actions and solve their problems. We tell them what to do and they execute.
When our kids get to be teens, they have the tools and resources to determine a plan and execute on it. They may need you to be their sounding board or to offer suggestions, and definitely to encourage them. But they need to take the lead. We often want to reduce our kids’ anxiety or ensure the outcome is perfect, that we takeover. That we start barking orders, telling them what their best plan of attack is or just handle their situations for them.
We think we are being a resource for them, but instead we are a demand. And we’re not allowing them to learn the lessons they need to learn or become more familiar with uncomfortable situations. Both of these are necessary to allow your child to grow into the confident adult you want them to be.
Parenting Guide or Demand?
In this post I’m going to talk through how YOU can be the parenting guide. How you can be a resource vs. a demand. Being a demand to your teenager refers to a parenting approach where interactions are primarily based on expectations, instructions, or demands for compliance, often without consideration for the teen’s feelings, opinions, or developmental need for independence. This approach can sometimes create a power dynamic where the teen feels controlled rather than supported, potentially leading to resistance, communication breakdowns, or emotional distance. Following are some examples:
Conditional Affection or Approval:
This can manifest as affection, praise, or approval that is heavily contingent on the teen’s compliance or performance. For instance, a parent might show more affection when the teen achieves high grades or wins in sports, but withdraws warmth or expresses disappointment when the teen fails to meet these expectations.
Rigid Rules Without Explanation:
Imposing rules without providing reasoning or context, which can lead to the teen feeling that they are expected to obey blindly. For example, a parent might forbid their teen from going to a friend’s house but refuse to discuss their concerns about safety or trust, simply expecting the teen to follow the rule without question.
Focus on Correction Rather Than Guidance:
Consistently focusing on correcting the teen’s behavior or choices instead of guiding them to learn from their experiences. An example of this would be a parent who constantly points out what the teen is doing wrong in household chores or homework, without offering constructive ways to improve or learn the necessary skills.
Communication as Commands Rather Than Conversations:
Communicating in a manner that resembles giving orders rather than engaging in mutual dialogue. A parent might consistently say, “Do this,” or “Stop that,” without ever asking the teen for their perspective or engaging in a discussion about their feelings and thoughts.
A Parenting Resource
Being a resource to your teenager involves adopting a supportive and facilitative approach in your interactions, where you offer guidance, information, and emotional support in ways that respect your teen’s individuality and developmental needs. This approach emphasizes collaboration, mutual respect, and understanding, helping to build a relationship based on trust and open communication. Following are some key aspects and examples of what it means to be a resource to your teenager:
Collaborative Problem Solving:
When a teen faces a problem, such as difficulty managing schoolwork or conflict with friends, a resourceful parent might say, “Let’s talk about what’s going on and explore some ways you might handle this. What ideas do you have?” This approach respects the teen’s ability to contribute to solving their own problems and validates their capacity to handle challenges.
Open-Ended Conversations:
Instead of issuing directives, a resourceful parent engages in open-ended discussions that encourage the teen to express themselves. For example, asking, “How do you feel about your new teacher?” or “What do you think about the rules we have around screen time?” facilitates a two-way dialogue that respects the teen’s opinions.
Providing Information and Options:
If a teen is considering a major decision, like choosing a college major or dealing with a relationship, a resourceful parent might offer, “Would you like to look at some information together about different majors and what careers they can lead to?” or “There are a few ways you might handle this situation with your friend. Would you like to hear some options?”
Emotional Availability:
Being emotionally available might involve noticing when the teen seems upset and offering support without prying, such as saying, “I’ve noticed you seem a bit down. I’m here if you want to talk about it, or if there’s anything you need from me.”
Resourcing Yourself as a Parent
In order to show up as a resource, it’s important that you resource yourself. This requires that you prioritize your own mental and emotional health. Being more intentional with your time and energy allows you to respond rather than react. This is where the self-care isn’t selfish concept comes in. By giving yourself space, you are able to show up calmer and allow your teen to feel seen and heard.
Resourcing yourself can include:
- Morning time for yourself to set your intention
- Taking up a hobby that allows you to experience joy and step away from the chaos of every day
- Pausing for deep breaths throughout the day
- Regular outings with friends to give and get support
- Signing up for a course to learn a new skill.
When you have what you need to thrive, you can be a better parenting guide for your teen. I wrote a previous post on how to manage different approaches between partners, that might provide additional support.
From a Demand to a Resource
Transitioning from a demand to a resource won’t happen overnight. Start with small intentional actions. You might even announce to your teen what you’re planning to do. This vulnerability and openness may catch them off guard, but will hopefully help them see you are willing to work on your side of the relationship and that you respect what they need from you.
A next step could be to focus on active listening vs. telling. Allow them to speak with little interruption. Keep the questions to a minimum so that they can share what it is they want to share. Additionally, you can consider setting new boundaries with your teen that allow them to collaborate on the solutions. This could include things like chores, curfew and communication expectations. Allowing your teen to be a part of the solution lets them know you respect their needs, as well.
Conclusion
As loving, busy parents we tend to know what needs to happen and how to get it done. This can lead us to becoming a demand on our kids as we are telling, correcting and commanding, instead of guiding. As a parenting guide, you can optimize the connection with your teen by being a resource, a guide on the side while they take the lead. This requires that you take care of your own needs so that you can be more responsive and less reactive to your teen. Check out more of what high achieving women know in my free guide on the 7 Essential Traits of High Achieving Women.